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Post by swl on Feb 23, 2010 18:26:45 GMT
Apologies for the shaky typing but I'm currently wired up to the National Grid being electrocuted. To explain, for some time now I've been getting a bit concerned about a wee pot belly that's been developing. Called "Cedric", it's been growing apace with the national debt. I finally decided to do something about it by embarking on a fitness regime. I started off with sit-ups, intending to do 100-150 a day like I used to. Half way into sit-up number 2, with the veins popping out of my forehead and sweat soaking the carpet, Mrs swl pointed out that 150 sit ups at a time was over 20 years ago. I set lower targets. Week one was a mere 10 a day, week two was 20. This week I started doing 30 at a time. surprisingly, it wasn't my abdominals that hurt, but my back. Anyhoo, I figured it would pass. Yesterday, I was moving furniture when I suddenly realised my back was hurting. And it got worse and worse. This morning my back felt likeit was on fire. I'm walking around doing an impersonation of the number 7. So I bought a TENS machine. Basically I'm being electrocuted and I'm not too sure it's working.  |
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Post by everso on Feb 24, 2010 1:13:01 GMT
Apologies for the shaky typing but I'm currently wired up to the National Grid being electrocuted. To explain, for some time now I've been getting a bit concerned about a wee pot belly that's been developing. Called "Cedric", it's been growing apace with the national debt. I finally decided to do something about it by embarking on a fitness regime. I started off with sit-ups, intending to do 100-150 a day like I used to. Half way into sit-up number 2, with the veins popping out of my forehead and sweat soaking the carpet, Mrs swl pointed out that 150 sit ups at a time was over 20 years ago. I set lower targets. Week one was a mere 10 a day, week two was 20. This week I started doing 30 at a time. surprisingly, it wasn't my abdominals that hurt, but my back. Anyhoo, I figured it would pass. Yesterday, I was moving furniture when I suddenly realised my back was hurting. And it got worse and worse. This morning my back felt likeit was on fire. I'm walking around doing an impersonation of the number 7. So I bought a TENS machine. Basically I'm being electrocuted and I'm not too sure it's working. The doctor is IN: TENS machines are o.k. but you need to get to the doctor and get some drugs. Keep on the move if you can because if you sit still it gets worse. I had this last year and the pain is excruciating. It was like really bad cramp. Mr. E. had it recently (he turned around to look behind him when he was walking downstairs - god knows why) and he spent several days walking like a crab. |
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Post by motorist on Feb 24, 2010 9:25:13 GMT
So when do we get a turn at zapping you?  |
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Post by riotgrrl on Feb 24, 2010 10:41:06 GMT
Yoga is the answer.
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Post by housesparrow on Feb 24, 2010 12:23:15 GMT
As it happens, my weekly yoga class is on a wednesday. This evening, when we get to the part where we lie with our legs up the wall and focus on breathing, I shall ask the inner light : "when do we get a turn at zapping swl?" |
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Post by Patrick on Feb 24, 2010 17:37:32 GMT
I always thought a TENS would be ideal for me - Until I got a go with Best Beloved's - Horrid things, I don't know what it is but I just hate the feeling it gives. Swimming's good for backs - but I can talk there - I hate public swimming pools.
As for bellies? I inherited mine from my Father - and I'm proud of it! ;D
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Post by Alpha Hooligan on Feb 24, 2010 18:37:51 GMT
I'm selling a few of these on ebay...   AH |
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Post by everso on Feb 24, 2010 19:53:38 GMT
I always thought a TENS would be ideal for me - Until I got a go with Best Beloved's - Horrid things, I don't know what it is but I just hate the feeling it gives. Swimming's good for backs - but I can talk there - I hate public swimming pools.As for bellies? I inherited mine from my Father - and I'm proud of it! ;D Me too. The noise! The kids! The unsavoury hoi polloi! The smell of urine reacting with chlorine!  |
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Post by everso on Feb 24, 2010 19:55:14 GMT
There's nothing for it. We must have our own indoor swimming pools. I also find that if I lie on 20 matresses I can still feel the pea that's been put under the bottom one. |
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Post by motorist on Feb 24, 2010 20:34:35 GMT
I'm selling a few of these on ebay... AH Excellent for those old biddies who hobble in your way in the supermarket  |
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Post by Alpha Hooligan on Feb 24, 2010 21:36:05 GMT
Biddies, kids, shop assistants, teenagers...basically anybody who doesn't clear a path.  AH |
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Post by swl on Feb 24, 2010 22:39:39 GMT
There's some evil peeps in here.
Who may like this -
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!
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Post by Patrick on Feb 24, 2010 23:28:47 GMT
I also find that if I lie on 20 matresses I can still feel the pea that's been put under the bottom one. Yes, I've heard all about you and your Pie and Pea Pyjama parties! Please note the correct spelling of Pea there and not "Pee" - I thank you |
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Post by Patrick on Feb 24, 2010 23:45:38 GMT
Fantastic Story SW!
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Post by housesparrow on Feb 25, 2010 7:38:23 GMT
I always thought a TENS would be ideal for me - Until I got a go with Best Beloved's - Horrid things, I don't know what it is but I just hate the feeling it gives. Swimming's good for backs - but I can talk there - I hate public swimming pools. As for bellies? I inherited mine from my Father - and I'm proud of it! ;D Swimming isn't necessarily good for backs. Jack finds it causes him a lot of pain, though admittedly he can only do breaststroke, which bends the spine back somewhat. As Riot says, yoga is good for preventing back trouble; there is great emphasis on stretching the spine, but is probably no use whatsoever when in pain. And yes, I did ask the Inner Light (see my message above), which told me "Stop wasting your time on trivial message-board banter and focus on the Now." |
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Post by jean on Feb 25, 2010 9:50:23 GMT
I've edited this a little. As for bellies? I inherited mine from my Father... Me too. |
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Post by everso on Feb 25, 2010 11:13:05 GMT
It's a filthy lie! I inherited mine from my mother. My father had a stomach like a washboard till the day he died.
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Post by everso on Feb 25, 2010 11:14:01 GMT
Swl's story made me LOL
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Post by Weyland on Feb 25, 2010 11:53:26 GMT
Biddies, kids, shop assistants, teenagers...basically anybody who doesn't clear a path. AH And people wearing ManU shirts anywhere, anytime. But only if they're definitely Mancunians. If not, the weapon-of-choice is a Romulan disruptor. Or a Ferengi phaser, at a push, on full beam. But you know this already, Alph. |
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Post by aubrey on Feb 26, 2010 16:58:11 GMT
I don't know - I'd do the opposite. People living in Manchester don't have much choice (well, you know - 50-50) but people outside - what's their excuse?
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