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Post by sesley on Jul 16, 2009 20:14:00 GMT
thought it funny to share with you all. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary..' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2009 15:08:11 GMT
i like this
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Post by riotgrrl on Jul 30, 2009 15:51:33 GMT
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2009 16:13:02 GMT
i like this
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Post by motorist on Jul 30, 2009 16:39:50 GMT
A bloke is the only survivor of a shipwreck on a deserted island. HE is pottering about fretting about what to do next when he comes across an old oil lamp. Being a bit of a pratt, he decides to rub it and a genie pops out Genie: "WHAT IS YOUR WISH? " Bloke: "A bridge to New York, please" Genie: "Do you KNOW how much work is needed for that? Getting the materials needed from around the world could cause untold problems!" Bloke: "Oh? Well in that case I would like to understand women" Genie: "This bridge of yours. Do you want little lamps along it as well?"
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Post by Weyland on Jan 7, 2010 17:05:42 GMT
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Post by swl on Jan 7, 2010 19:13:02 GMT
Three Celtic fans walk into a bar: a Priest, a paedophile and an alcoholic.
And that was just the first guy.
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Post by riotgrrl on Jan 7, 2010 19:28:28 GMT
Q: What's the difference between cancer and a cow? A: Max Clifford can't milk a cow.
Q: What's black and makes women cry? A: Gordon Brown's handwriting.
Q. What's yellow and hides in Afghanistan? A. The Talibanana.
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Post by swl on Jan 10, 2010 14:16:15 GMT
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..............
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Post by everso on Jan 11, 2010 0:10:45 GMT
Don't know if anyone else has seen this, it's a variation on the Abbott and Costello sketch that Swl was referring to:
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Post by swl on Feb 12, 2010 17:08:21 GMT
53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please". To loud applause Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance".
So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream..................
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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Post by everso on Feb 12, 2010 18:35:23 GMT
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Post by sesley on Mar 12, 2010 16:59:20 GMT
Why didn't Barbie and Ken ever have any children?
Because Ken always comes in another box...
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Post by Weyland on Mar 12, 2010 17:03:47 GMT
Why didn't Barbie and Ken ever have any children? Because Ken always comes in another box... Who'd've thought that Barbie was such a wisecracker?
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