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Post by Patrick on Jul 20, 2008 1:03:44 GMT
No Missus! I'm not talking about the unveiling of yer new Armitage Shanks here I'm talking about the beginnings of falling in love! Do you remember it? You've met someone new - you laugh at the same things, you interest each other with the stuff you always thought was complete tosh! Above all - you "Click". I once said that you should never analyse a relationship - because as soon as you start - the magic will have gone! So where does it go anyway? Why does it go? How can you end up with the heavy weight of responsibility hanging around your neck that turns your legs to feeling like you're walking through treacle in life? An ex girlfriend of mine once said of her ex husband (he died) that they were so much in love that they could have lived without their children even! What a thing to say eh? On the other hand, if they manage do retain that free flight of romance that disappears for everyone else? then good on them! I'd hope it affects everyone - the slow fog that comes down once a relationship settles down - the feeling of "Having to take into consideration someone else" each time a decision is made! Trouble is - Does it sap your creativity? Does it damage your imagination when you just cannot be as flexible with your time as you like? Does family commitment remove - or erode the very imagination that helped you to fill many an afternoon when you were a child?
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Post by trubble on Jul 20, 2008 13:31:13 GMT
The effects of beginnings of love are, according to some research, and based on belief that chemicals are released that produce that first flush, always temporary. Even if you stay together for 50 years that first flush was still temporary. It lasts something like 6 months to 2 years and then you're in a different phase.
What happens next is that as the relationship progresses it moves into another type of love and that's the one that gets built on to make the long lasting relationship.
This is never reflected in films and love stories, it's always depicted as an invisible force too strong to fight, and so here we are expecting to have that same feeling all of our lives or something must be wrong.
Not true. What happens after the first excitement is gone just depends on the characters involved. People who have been together for decades all say that they went through long periods where it wasn't all easy or romantic but if both people are dedicated to staying a pair then they wade through the treacle and get to other side.
I suppose I'm the wrong person to speak because I'm not married so I have haven't pushed through the wall and dealt with the time that the first flush disappears, or maybe it was just never replaced with the better stuff for me, or maybe I didn't know a good thing when I had it. Even so, I wouldn't knock the fog, Patrick.
When you recall being a child and you remember freedom and creativity and no responsibilities, you are only remembering some of childhood, it wasn't always like that. Remember the confusion of new situations? Or fears that wouldn't go away without reassurance, like fear of the dark or monsters? Remember the fun of finding a friend?
I remember walking into playschool and finding a friend. It was so solid and easy, she and I sitting on the top of the climbing frame laughing at something and then time to go home and 'see you tomorrow' and that was that. Friends. No question about it. Best friends by time we got to proper school and found each other there. Unbreakable best friends.
Once you had a best friend no one else was allowed to interfere. Other more exciting ones might appear and whisk your interest away for a while but you knew deep down that you were linked to your best friend and this was only an extra.
Once you had a best friend your quality of life was immediately guaranteed. You could fight with them but they still hung around, you could find new friends but still they knew you best and you would always feel comfortable with them. When choosing teams for football they had to choose you and you them, little rules that mean there's no possibility of loneliness, and as you get older you each loosen your grip enough to let the other one explore without you but the rules still stay in place, you still have to pick them first.
Some best friends like holding hands or dressing the same and some don't, but they all follow the rules.
And that's the same for partners and lovers and spouses.
If there are 2 of you who enjoy passing romantic compliments to each other in the morning or think that the kiss before sleep is vital and bouquets of flowers a must, then that is how the relationship will proceed after the honeymoon period and from the outside those things could be seen as evidence of the first flush but they're not, they are agreed rules of engagement! If one enjoys that and the other doesn't, then you have compromise or long years of understanding or training! but not necessarily any less love.
That treacle and fog can't be there every day but the love gets stronger every day that you stick to the rules. Stay committed to the relationship, that makes the love work. What creativity and imagination can survive on loneliness and solitude? It needs to be fed by companionship and friendship and love.
Family committment hampers the selfish fun you might have but it offers something bigger in return. It bonds as well as strains. Did you know that the percentage of people who have affairs with their brother-in-law/cousin's wife etc is very high? - because the bonding through difficult family situations is as powerful as lust or the first flush of love. (But don't do that!!) Hard work pays off when you need the people who know you best in the world to lift you up or hold your hand or just like you when you're being thoroughly unlikeable.
That's their treacle. They walk through it too.
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Post by Patrick on Jul 20, 2008 13:39:55 GMT
Flowers? Wot are they then? I wasn't talking about me, honest! Although I've experienced (haven't we all) most of the examples. It's just something I have "studied" over the years, and that flush really does intrigue me. I still think it comes from the lack of analysis a new relationship endures. A friend of mine suggested (and he has a degree in psychotherapy!) that our childhood imagination gives way to our - erm - "sexual imagination" as we get older (Remind me to ask him if he's a Freudian!?) I mean - I can still play with toy cars, but I can never quite write the stories in my head that I used to! and yet when I was little, the scenarios we embraced - building our Lego houses were purely domestic! Talking of childhood though - I distinctly remember being invited to my first birthday party - because all I remember (and here's an indicative of early trauma!) is bursting into tears when my Mum left me there! (Must have been 3 or 4). The Best Friend analogy is good, because I've read, and spoken to people who say that a partner has to be a Best Friend first and "Lover" second! (Kind of puts "When Harry Met Sally" out to grass eh?) and many say that a marriage has worked purely on that. I don't "feel" married, but that's not saying I don't feel commitment. I have always been of the school that says "I am with you, ergo; I am wholly commited to you" I'm like that - I always have that tunnel vision. Which is why, for me Marriage isn't that important. It's a mental thing for me - in the same way that some animals "Mate" for life. More anon.
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Post by trubble on Jul 20, 2008 13:50:38 GMT
Keys to hearts that seem expensive but are actually very good value. Trust me. And don't buy them from a petrol station. Mixed bouquets. Gawd.
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Post by trubble on Jul 20, 2008 13:51:12 GMT
Unfortunate Coincidence by Dorothy Parker
By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying - Lady make a note of this: One of you is lying.
Comment - by Dorothy Parker Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania.
Summary - by Dorothy Parker Every love's the love before In a duller dress. That's the measure of my lore- Here's my bitterness: Would I knew a little more, Or very much less!
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Post by Patrick on Jul 20, 2008 14:03:57 GMT
Unfortunate Coincidence by Dorothy Parker By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying - Lady make a note of this: One of you is lying. I've got that one somewhere............ Along with; Here's to the light that lies in a woman's eyes and lies and lies and lies and lies
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Post by trubble on Jul 20, 2008 14:13:55 GMT
Moore. Yeats: Never give all the Heart Never give all the heart, for love Will hardly seem worth thinking of To passionate women if it seem Certain, and they never dream That it fades out from kiss to kiss; For everything that's lovely is But a brief, dreamy, kind delight. O never give the heart outright, For they, for all smooth lips can say, Have given their hearts up to the play. And who could play it well enough If deaf and dumb and blind with love? He that made this knows all the cost, For he gave all his heart and lost.
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Post by Patrick on Jul 20, 2008 14:20:32 GMT
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips. I take a healthy bite From your dainty fingertips.
My joy would be complete, dear, If you were only here, But still I keep your hand As a precious souvenir.
Sorry, I feel the override has just kicked in on my cynicmeter!
You've got flat feet Your breath ain't sweet But I don't care by heck Cos I love! The back of your neck!
Your eyes are mean Your teeth are green Your face is just a wreck! But I love! The back of your neck!
Your speech, is slow and halting! Most folks think you are revolting! To walk round you, and see the view, Is really quite a trek! But I love! The back of youur neck!
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Post by trubble on Jul 20, 2008 16:28:20 GMT
Your feet are too big - Good old Fats Waller Who's that walkin' 'round here? Mercy! Sounds like baby patter Baby elephant patter, that's what I calls it Say, up in Harlem, at a table for two, There were four of us, me, your big feet and you From your ankles up, I say you sure are sweet, From there down, there's just too much feet! Yes, your feet's too big! Don't want ya 'cause your feet's too big! Can't use ya 'cause your feet's too big! I really hate ya 'cause your feet's too big! Yeah! Lah-dee-doo-dah, Nah-dah-nah-dah Where d'ya get 'em? Nah-dee-ah-dah Your girl, she likes ya, she thinks you're nice, Got what it takes to be in paradise She said she likes your face, she likes your rig, But, man, oh, man, them things are too big Oh, your feet's too big Don't want ya 'cause your feet's too big! Mad at ya 'cause your feet's too big I hate ya 'cause your feet's too big My goodness, gun the gunboats! Shift! Shift! Shift! Oh, your pedal extremities are colossal To me you look just like a fossil You got me walkin', talkin' and squawkin', 'Cause your feet's too big, yeah Come on and walk that thing Oh, I never heard o' such walkin', Mercy! You know your pedal extremities really are obnoxious. One never knows, do one?
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Post by Patrick on Jul 20, 2008 16:38:17 GMT
If I had a clappy smiley - you could have one, just here!
Waltzing with you is hell As we plough cross the floor And you hack me once more How I wish you had stayed in your shell You're not that shy violet That you were when we met!
Your voice is so charming, Your figure so neat. That's why it's alarming, That you come complete, Woth two large left feet!
As we knock other couples pell mell And I feel a new bruise Eminate from shoes Hear me yell! That Waltzing with you Yes Waltzing with you Oh Waltzing with you is.............
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Post by trubble on Jul 20, 2008 16:44:15 GMT
My neighbour, Mrs. Fanshaw, Is portly-plump and gay, She must be over sixty-seven, If she is a day. You might have thought her life was dull, It's one long whirl instead. I asked her all about it, And this is what she said: I've joined an Olde Thyme Dance Club, The trouble is that there Are too many ladies over, And no gentlemen to spare. It seems a shame, it's not the same, But still it has to be, Some ladies have to dance together, One of them is me. Stately as a galleon, I sail across the floor, Doing the Military Two-step, As in the days of yore. I dance with Mrs. Tiverton; She's light on her feet in spite Of turning the scale at fourteen stone And being of medium height. So gay the band, So giddy the sight, Full evening dress is a must, But the zest goes out of a beautiful waltz When you dance it bust to bust. So, stately as two galleons, We sail across the floor, Doing the Valse Valeta, As in the days of yore. The gent is Mrs. Tiverton, I am her lady fair. She bows to me ever so nicely And I curtsey to her her with care. So gay the band, So giddy the sight, But it's not the same in the end, For a lady is never a gentleman, though She may be your bosom friend. So, stately as a galleon, I sail across the floor, Doing the dear old Lancers, As in the days of yore. I'm led by Mrs. Tiverton, She swings me round and round, And though she manoeuvres me wonderfully well I never get off the ground. So gay the band, So giddy the sight, I try not to get depressed. And it's done me a power of good to explode, And get this lot off my chest. (Joyce Grenfell)
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Post by Alpha Hooligan on Jul 24, 2008 0:13:44 GMT
First come the smiles, then come the lies. Last is gunfire - Roland Deschain, The Last Gunslinger. (ok, he wasn't talking about love, but he could've been). ;D As for being in love, I'm easy, when I am with a woman, all it takes is a tilted head and a pretty smile to remind me I am smitten...I've lost a lot cash & credit cards to that particular scam. AH
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Liverbird
Fluffy!
Lives joined by fate.
Posts: 9
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Post by Liverbird on Aug 1, 2008 8:41:16 GMT
The first flush of love encompasses you and leaves you giddy, it moves to something more deep and lasting.
I love the poetry on here.
"love is like a pair of socks... there has to be two... and they have to match. --Layla Clark
"A friend is great, but a lover is the only thing that will last you a lifetime. --Melanie Ann Mendoza
"Love is the feeling that you feel when you feel that feeling that you never felt before --Jenell Calla "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, and one touch of her hand than eternity without it. --Nicholas Cage (Movie: City of Angels)
"Love is when you find someone who doesn't care about the way you look in the morning. --Anon
"The best way to hold a man is in your arms. --Mae West
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Post by Patrick on Aug 1, 2008 9:47:06 GMT
I bet Nicholas Cage never imagined he'd become "A Quote!"
Thanks for that - and nice to see you, LB, in this eiderdown of fluffiness. The general rule is - just pop in and say hello if you're passing! This board has only humble expectations in the great mb world ;D
I once bought a postcard with two toothbrushes on, beside which it said
"I can live with disappointment, but I'd rather live with you"
At the time I gave it to my Mum, considering they'd just got divorced and my brother and I stayed with my Dad - isn't a very nice thing to say really - because he wasn't one! - but hey ho, there you go. Such were the confused thoughts of a thirteen year old.
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Post by Patrick on Aug 1, 2008 10:04:50 GMT
I rather like Matthew Arnold - here's part of his "A Farewell" I goes on a bit so it's just the first five stanzas, the fifth being a favourite;
"My horse's feet beside the lake, Where sweet the unbroken moonbeams lay, Sent echoes through the night to wake, Each glistening strand, each heath-fringed bay.
The poplar avenue was passed, And the roofed bridge that spans the stream, Up the steep street I hurried fast, Led by thy taper's starlike beam.
I came! I saw thee rise! - the blood Poured flushing to thy languid cheek. Locked in each other's arms we stood, In tears, with hearts too full to speak.
Days flew; ah, soon I could discern A trouble in thine altered air! Thy hand lay languidly in mine, Thy cheek was grave, thy speech grew rare.
I blame thee not! - This heart, I know, To be long loved was never framed, For something in its depths doth glow Too strange, too restless, too untamed."
Another favourite and oft quoted by me, is his "Longing"
"Come to me in my dreams, and then By day I shall be well again! For so the night will more than pay The hopeless longing of the day.
Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times, A messenger from radiant climes, And smile on thy new world, and be As kind to others as to me!
Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth, Come now, and let me dream it truth, And part my hair, and kiss my brow, And say, My love why sufferest thou?
Come to me in my dreams, and then By day I shall be well again! For so the night will more than pay The hopeless longing of the day."
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